Holes ...

Went to the dentist 2 Fridays ago with serious pain. Dentist's office in this city had booked me for a March appointment that had to be re-scheduled, as I couldn't sleep at all the night before and they changed appointment from early afternoon to late morning, which I TRIED to be available for, as I really needed to see professional re: pain. Was finally exhausted as it got closer to appointment time. June was the next available slot! My pain "said" this wasn't acceptable, eventually. My dentist also has an office in the twin city, and the receptionist there was diligent about fitting me in the day after I called the second office, which was the Friday.

Thought maybe a filling had come out months ago, but the dentist and assistant didn't know for sure if that was the reason for the pain, though a deep cavity WAS found, and filled. Left side of face frozen, I was happy to have had X-ray and new filling done, but as I was leaving dental office, headache started, got worse as I got home though my face continued to be frozen for hours after! By the time the freezing wore off, pain at left side of my head was excruciating, acute. The next day, I called my dentist's 2nd emergency cell line (at his home) against my better judgement. Just felt weird. He was cool and prescribed course of antibiotics which I readily picked up at the local drugstore shortly thereafter. Every time I took a pill (3 daily), the worst pain shot through my head. The bottle finished this past Monday and it was the first time a Dr. gave me antibiotics in maybe 15-20 yrs. Guess what? The pain, though not as intense or as consistent, still remains! Not sure if it is, after all, a dental thing, or something having to do with a diagnosis from the Dr. who 'fired' me last year because ...well, for his own reasons, really. I'm on a year long (yes, 1 year!) waiting list here in HRM, Nova Scotia, for E/N/T specialist and having waited this long for attention for THAT problem, I'd not be surprised if it were what the pain's all about vs dental. Though, I'm not sure about much at this time. Feels like the infection, if there was an infection (that's why there was pain, ya?) has possibly spread. It's hard to function; most difficult to focus/concentrate. I put in a call with the dentist again this weekend, though I stupidly (?) didn't use 1 of his emergency numbers. I'll probably hear from them early tomorrow. Otherwise, I'll be calling soon as I awake Monday.

I really feel like I've fallen through the cracks in recent years and I do not get the kind of treatment I need. Not knocking my dentist AT ALL, as he's been consistently on it, but overall, I never could have imagine my life would be so much about being slighted and mistreated, having no friends, no social life, no doctor again. Wasn't able to do my taxes because of the dental pain. (Mind you, in my tax bracket, I definitely do not have to pay IN to the government but I like to have them done before the general deadline.) Also, I need to find a family Dr. again before my current medications run out, which will be in a week or less! Harsh medication withdrawals ... Do you see how 1 thing leads to the other? I'm tired of being treated so poorly by family, fake friends (the ones in Toronto who didn't have my back) and so-called "professional' Drs, calling themselves GPs or family docs.

Head pains aside, almost every damn day of the past 14 years back here in NS HURTS! My mother treats me like shit with her words and actions, thinking gifts and take-out etc. make up for it. My sister all but ignores my existence, ALL ABOUT her unit: she, her boyfriend, and her daughter. Everyone seems to be going on trips to the very places I'd planned to be going to when I was a kid who planned his life and career out (people whom in the past have not displayed any interest in travel even!). My mother even does things to block me getting help from any relative living in Ontario who might otherwise be able to help me get back to Toronto, and the land of the living, where I can breathe and be myself. Here, I'm labeled, stigmatized and yeah, ignored. "That Black guy Kirk," I overhead someone in my neighborhood saying on their phone once. Or: "He's Black ..."; "He's old ..." and other things I can't post here as they'd only make my life worse, cause familial trouble; make it more difficult for me to navigate my way around here.

Human kindness? It's hard to find. There's really no excuse though. I think of all the charitable works I do daily online; how I've become the reluctant activist for several different causes. It's just as easy to lift someone up as it is to put someone down. You know, it's f-ing horrible to have to spend most of your time with the emotionally 'questionable' mother who berates you, starts arguments (which you hate as a rule), then insists you're the one who STARTS THEM! She's even taken to telling my siblings I'm starting arguments, when what really is happening is me losing my temper after she goes on and on, making derogatory comments, verbally attacking me, 'til I have to lose it, and holler, or say something passionately, in my own defense.

I have to spend the time with my mother because, as the situation stands, being at home with no friends at all, no cable, or internet, just a TV and stack of DVDs and 4 walls ... it starts to get at you - sometimes a week in, or 2, 3 ... Abnormal living isn't LIVING at all. It's just existing. So sad I thought some people actually DID care for me, and would be there for me as I was for them. That, however, has not been the reality. So here I am again, at my mother's. She's on 'good behavior' today, but that could change quickly, and almost surely if not tonight, tomorrow she will be a very rude shrew, who shows a completely different 'face' to her relatives and church community. Feels like I'm being punished for something. What did I ever do to deserve THIS? It is so sad when happiness is something only referenced in one's memories of another city, another time - which seems like another life time now. WTF, I say, "WTF"?!